You see... not only does she work in advertising, but she’s also religious. In other words, she lives in a world where morality is scarce and guilt is abundant. (they call this world, the "real world" in contrast to the "imaginary world" that I live in)
So, in the spirit of egalitarianism & committing the cardinal marketing sin of trying to cater for all kinds of fans, I decided to give you this quick guide. Please ensure you only forward to the cool friends and don’t forward this to all... insecure assholes tend to take things, like that, personally.
Right... back to the point. There are two rules for ass-mastery
To be the best ass sniffer you can be, you need to be...
a. Skilfully subtle
b. Void from peer condemnation and derision.
And here’s how.
a. Subtlety. (examples seen below require a serious & genuine delivery)
Don’t talk about features, focus on the benefits: Instead of “what a well shaped ass you have, sir” say “these suit trouser fit you so well Mr Smith! I’m sorry if that sounds forwards. It’s just that my boyfriend has trouble fitting into suits as well as you do, even though you are very similar in shape!?”
Use presuppositions: make a point that, in order for it to make sense, one would need to assume that the bosses’ ass is great. “Ms Smith. Remember the last company function my girlfriend came to? I think it was the only time you two met. Anyway, after that night, for some strange reason, she spent a month in the gym obsessing over her butt and thigh exercises, even though she has an amazing figure. We almost broke up due to her obsessive behaviour that time! I don’t know what happened! So, anyway, I’m glad partners aren’t allowed at this company function”
b. Your colleagues can’t know what you’re up-to.
Put a coffee mug on your desk that says “the ass stinks, the pussy is better”. This way, not only will your colleagues never accuse you of ass kissing, but you may even get lucky if the bosses’ partner doesn’t like travelling south of the border. (ps for this to work well you may need to have this illustration (see below) which I designed). Also, on casual outings, you can wear a t-shirt that says “Eat pussy! Not shit” / “Eat dick! Not shit” (no illustration required here)
Throw colleagues off the scent by making flattering remarks to other people who have no authority over you, such as the barista in the coffee shop. That way, you appear to be indiscriminate in your brown-nosing and no one will suspect you.
Start with these, my ethically challenged friends, and I’ll have some more for you later. All this talk makes me wanna eat... I mean drink... Coffee.
ps. I hope you're happy "H", these tips should be plenty useful. If not, let me know. I have another tip that'll rock your world
........
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